They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I'm not so sure about that. I think that it could, if you're really fond of the person or thing, but not if it's just that you like it. In the last couple of months, since I've been absent from writing Rants, there have been a couple of times I was gonna write but just didn't. There were obstacles such as me trying to not be bitter about some stuff or trying to get this site wrangled by Movable Type or trying to stave off depression or just being used to being absent.
Now that I've discovered my absence from writing, I hope to rectify that and get back into doing these longer essays, these Rants, to clear myself of the musings that hang around in my head. Thoughts and ideas really do seem to sort of hang out and circulate until they get a release - be it writing or drawing or whatever.
So, now, to the task of ridding myself of some detritus that is cluttering up my mind and taking up too much space. First, I'd like to emphasize that I'm not feeling evil or mad or bitter or anything like that while I write this. I'm not any of those things. I'm mostly just tired of these things needing to be said, so I'm going to say them and purge them. Yes, some of them do involve some of you who may read this. If you think it's you I'm talking about, then maybe it is. If you'd like to say something on your behalf to make things clearer between us, then you have my email and you have my phone number. Use them. I'm not trying to start anything - to the contrary, I'm trying to end them for myself so I can move on. Got it? Good.
First off, I want to set the record straight about some money I've lent here and there. I am not a rich individual, as everyone on the planet knows. As a matter of fact, I've put myself in some pinches trying to help my friends. Some of them I've written off completely, others I'm still waiting to know what's up. It's not cool to borrow money and agree to pay it back by a certain time, then blow it off. It's not that I don't understand about being strapped for cash, it's about being respectful and communicating to me that you can't fulfill your obligations. Posting something on a blog is not the same as sending an email explaining what's up. It's just downright selfish and prideful to not offer some sort of personal contact. It's not a sin to simply say "geez, things are fucked up and I just can't repay you yet". It's common courtesy.
The same goes for relationships. They are sort of a commodity, too, if you think about it. There is give and take, with the commodity being feelings. I'm thinking that my commodity is pretty damn worthless to several people right now. People with whom I have a lot of history and some really good times. It's not good to feel that people you have cared about don't really give a damn anymore. I don't have any idea why this has happened. I know that I tried my best to be there and to be the best friend I could be. It's all I can do. I'm saddened by the loss, of course, but I've reached the limit that I can give with no returns. I tried, dammit. I hope that one day, perhaps some of it can be salvaged.
I've also realized that I've been absent from the feelings I've had surrounding the illnesses of two old friends. My friend in New York City has been very ill, fighting HIV and cancer. He was in the hospital again recently and I'm very worried about him. I'm scared for him, too. He is such a dear old soul! Although our lives have conspired to keep us from seeing each other as much as we'd like, he is an important friend to me and I think of him often. Another friend who lives in New Jersey has just had a hysterectomy to rid her body of cervical cancer. I did have the chance to see her a few weeks ago and I'm so happy that I did. She's a scary-smart Saggitarius that I could hang with every single day and never get tired of her. I have not spoken to her since the surgery, but I plan to call again soon to see how she's recovering. I know she'll be fine as far as the cancer goes, but I think she'll be depressed over the surgery and long recovery time. It's been a lot to deal with for me, since I can't be there in person to assist in any way. It's hard for me to NOT be able to help my friends out. I want to be there, fussing and clucking over them, being the Jewish mother that I am. I'm this way as much for me as for the people I fuss over. I like to take care of my friends. It makes me happy and it gives me joy. I think this, probably, is one of my biggest needs in life: to be useful.
I've also been absent in my career lately. I've been blocked at every turn with this host reseller thing that I want to try. At least, it's not anything to do with me! It's the owner of the hosting company that I've been trying to work with who's to blame for the holdup. He is great at writing code, but he sucks at business. He can't understand that you MUST, above all else, DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO for your clients. He never returns calls or emails. He never calls when he says he will. He just doesn't get it. I'm on the fence about whether to go through with the reseller plan or not, despite the fact that I now have a merchant account for it. I'm really pissed that I've gone to all this trouble and he can't even return a fucking phone call. Perhaps I should just say 'fuck it' to the hosting plan and try to get the herbal site off the ground instead? I'll make a decision about this next week.
Also on the career front, I've been prodded by my Taurus partner to take on a web gig that is way over my head. And his. Our favourite Web Ninja Andy has been gently prodding me to learn new web skills and oddly, it's Nick who decided to take this latest job. It's a gig that could be a $500 gig or a $3000 gig, depending on how much cash the client has. It involves database fumbling and other high end web bumblings that we really have no idea how to carry out, but he thinks we can do it, so off we go. Nick decided to take the job come hell or high water, so I really have no choice but to go along for the ride. I can't help but be amused by the conspiring of the Universe to shove me along despite myself. :-) I'm grateful for it and I'm trying to take the hint!
I don't want to be absent from my life. It bothers me when I realize I've lost 2 months to ???. To nothing. I know we all have fallow periods, but it seems that I tend to have more than most. Well, I don't know that for sure, do I? I think that I let things pile up then clean it all out at once. Now, today, I feel pretty good about the tidy areas I just worked on and I look forward to moving on down my path. I invite everyone who reads this to do the same. :-)
Posted by Misangela at July 27, 2003 06:11 PM