Female Rules

This weekend, I talked about this issue with some friends (male and female) and they agree with my evaluation of female behaviour. So, with the knowledge that there are others who feel the same way I do, I post this Rant (that has been hanging out as a Draft) for your amusement.

"Damn, Sparky! Don't you know that you can't argue with a woman!" - John Crichton, Farscape

I'd have to agree with John. When it comes to women, I just don't understand them. They are two faced, back stabbing, petty, mean, underhanded people. And you will NEVER win an argument that is based on Female Rules.

But WAIT!! [I hear the cries already] You ARE a woman, idiot!

Well, yes, yes I am a woman, good catch there. However, I've never, EVER been able to act like one. Ask anyone who's known me since I was a kid. I played with dolls some, but mostly I played with cars, trucks, guns and sharp things. I played in the sand pile and had sand fights with the boys. I climbed trees and rode bikes with the boys. I played army with the boys. Later, I rode horses with the boys. In high school, I was an honorary drummer - one of the boys. I also made out with the boys, but that never got in the way of me being more comfortable with boys than girls.

In high school, I had "girlfriends", but I could never stay in one clique. Girls find that very disturbing, you know, when your alliances are split. Remember that song by Tori Amos "Cornflake Girl"? Well, that was me all over:

"Never was a cornflake girl/ Thought it was a good solution/ Hanging with the Raisin Girls/ 'She's gone to the other side'/ 'Giving us a yo heave-ho'/ Things are getting kind of gross/"

So, I get through High School with few female friends and those I had were all from different cliques, so I didn't really hang with them after graduation. I had other plans, like moving to the ATL to go to Music Business school and getting away from the fucking rednecks of Knoxville. Which I did.

This female friend issue has plagued me incessantly over the years. I have ONE good friend that has stayed with me since 1989: Sonya. We've had our falling-outs over the years, but we've always gotten over it. I've had a multitude of female "friends" that turned out to be only acquaintances so I tossed 'em. That goes for many males, too, but that's another story.

What is it about women that makes it impossible for them to TELL THE TRUTH? Is it genetically encoded? Is it female culture? Is it a Southern thing? I just don't know. If I knew, then I wouldn't continue to get burned by psychotic women!! I swear, I know just how men feel! Women are neurotic freaks.

Women hate me. That's all there is to it. I don't know if it's jealousy, fear, intimidation or all of the above, but I know fer sure that women do NOT like me. It's a rare woman who thinks I'm spiffy and fun to hang out with for more than an hour. There are a few of the rare women who like me [you know who you are], but overall, I have dismal luck with them.

Let me give you three scenarios to back this up. The names have been changed to keep me from getting hate mail, but if anyone involved in these scenarios reads them, I certainly hope that they recognize themselves. ::evil grin::

Scenario #1

This guy I dated in the early 90s and I remained friends long after we stopped dating. That is typical for me, I tend to keep old flames as friends. So, anyway, he had gone through a few girlfriends since we'd been together and our past was totally a non issue. To us, anyway.

Well, along comes this girl named K who is convinced from the beginning that I am "out to get [this guy] back". Which was ludicrous, if I'd wanted him, I'd a kept him in the first place wouldn't I?? But, she held this belief strongly. She didn't say anything to me about it, of course, that would violate one of the Female Rules, I'm sure.

Rather than be honest, she totally sucked up to me and made me think that she was cool and wanted to hang out. So we hung out. I told her that this guy and I had dated, like 10 years prior and she didn't appear to take this news as anything of consequence...but. You knew there'd be a BUT, didn't you? She goes back to his place after we were finished being "buddies" and ripped him a new asshole about the fact that he and I dated a decade ago!! How fucking psychotic is that!!??

So he told me about this next time we spoke and of course I got mad and tore her a new asshole and it just got UGLY after that. For some reason this guy ended up marrying the psychotic bitch (he has a rescuer complex) and he was too afraid to talk to me after that. We didn't speak for about three years. Yes, he's pussywhipped, but mainly he's just not the type to rock the boat.

He did contact me last year and we've since rekindled our friendship, but he still can't cross his bitch-assed psychotic wife, so when we do hang out, it's sneaking around during the day having lunch. I've forgiven him for his shortcomings, but I do rag him a little for cowtowing to that cunt.

Scenario #2

In 2002, they canceled Farscape, a really great SciFi series. There was much ado about this and fans all over were having Farscape rallies and demanding that it be put back into production. Of course, this never works, but meetings were had anyway. At one of these meetings, we met a really cool Brit and his wife, M. As we stood around and chatted, it was clear that we had stuff in common and so we began to hang out.

This went on for more than a year. We hung out, went drinking, had a good time. But in the background, there was strife between me and M. We got into it at a bar one night when she proceeded to inform me that I didn't know anything about computers or the internet because I used a Mac. WTF? I knew from her slips before that she had issues with me that she wouldn't be honest about, but I was really pissed off about this. I told Nick that I didn't want to hang out with her anymore, but I like the Brit, so I backed off a bit and I didn't talk about anything technical around her. The fact of the matter is that I am more knowledgeable than she, but since her hubby is a web god, she assumes that she must be one as well.

So, along comes DragonCon. In the months before, they were working on getting web design work from the cast of Farscape, since they'd done some work for GH [which fell apart due to Female Psychosis]. I'd heard the way M talked about G after they parted ways, so I knew good and well how malicious she was and how into drama she was. Her whole life revolves around the dramas of her online friends, and it's my belief that they just don't know her well enough to realize how much of a selfish bitch she is. But I digress.

Anyway, the Con arrives and they have no money for it, which was a big deal since they wanted to network and try to get more work. I offered to lend them some cash so they could do the networking that they wanted to do. Of course I don't like to lend money, but I figured it was for a good cause and I was led to believe that it was a dire emergency (see drama comment above). We did some work as a favour for our mutual Farscape friend in addition to this.

Well, the next thing I know, I've forced them to take money and tried to get in the middle of their business with their client. A huge flame war ensued and I was a horrible bitch because I tried to help them out. Again, WTF?

Things got ugly, the friendship with them ended badly and it was all due to Female Psychotic behaviour from M. It was so bad that M had her internet buddies (all Drama Whores) flame me on this site! I have no idea why she couldn't simply address her obvious dislike of me earlier and skip the drama. I was ambushed and burned by this woman who played by Female Rules that I obviously do NOT understand. She twisted everything I ever did into this Evil Plot To Steal Her Glory with the Farscape people.

Um, no. I never did want to do business with any of them, I just wanted to hang out and continue MY friendships with them (which I had long before I met M). But, of course, in true Female fashion, she made sure to run her mouth and tell lies to ensure that she was the victim and I was baaaaaaad. I ended up with no Farscape friends and no funny Brit to hang out with. It sucked. The silver lining was that I no longer had to deal with her.

Scenario #3

We met a seemingly cool couple at a Halloween party. They appeared to be fun and a little pervy like us and we scheduled an outing with them up at their place in Smyrna, 45 minutes from us. It's a known fact that I'm an intown snob and I detest the 'burbs. I don't like having to drive 45 minutes to "go out". It's not a good idea in this town. But I'm all for equality, so the plan was that they'd come down here for the next activity.

I liked the guy a lot and his wife was cute, but I was mostly neutral about her. I did pick up that she was not as pervy as he, but I didn't think much of it at the time. I think that was a mistake on my part.

At the event, I made a comment about the 'burbs and having to drive so far to get there, which is normal for me. No biggie, or so I thought.

Well, after the event, we don't hear from them again. I sent an email to the guy and never got a response. Then Nick sent an email to the guy and he responded that "they were put off by Angela's comments about the 'burbs". My response was "bullshit!". I think it was all about W being a female and deciding that I was too much for her. I think that W gave her husband an earful and he chose the easy way out.

Why would anyone give a big SHIT what I think of the 'burbs?? It just doesn't make sense. I know plenty of people that think I'm insane for buying a house in the 'hood and living where I do. I don't care! I'm the one living here and if anyone doesn't want to drive an hour to visit me, I understand that! It's not like I said her house was a piece of shit and her dog smelled! It's not like I made a pass at her husband! It's not like I said that I would never drag my ass up there ever again! No, it's some Female Rule that I broke and I'll never figure it out. Again, I was burned by the Female Rules that I just don't understand.

Those scenarios are but a few that I've suffered with in my life, and so help me, I hope that they are the last. I swear I'll never, EVER try to befriend a woman again. If a guy is married and I like him, I'll let Nick do the bonding. It's best that I do not interact with women. It always ends up like this and I'm sick of it!

For the few women that I'm friends with now (I think I am, but am not sure) I still hold the hope that things will work out, but I'm not counting on it. I'm always the one who gets flamed, talked about, and otherwise treated like a pariah in the end.

I know I'm not an "easy" person, but I also know that I'm very up front about how I feel and I try to be honest if I have an issue. I'm tired of apologizing for being me. I advise anyone who wonders what I'm about to simply check your own personal information about me. Yes, there are parts of me that no one sees but my closest friends (males), but for the most part, what you see is what you get. If I've never mentioned that I dislike you, then don't assume that I do. If I've never done or said [insert behaviour and/or opinion here] then don't make up shit to fill in the blanks. ASK ME. I mean, damn, how hard can it be? If I hang out with you and talk to you, then WHY assume that I have a hidden agenda?

WRITE THIS DOWN: ANGELA IS NOT A NORMAL FEMALE. SHE HAS NO HIDDEN AGENDAS. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, YOU WILL KNOW IT.

It's too bad that being upfront, honest and opinionated are bad things according to the Female Rule Book. I propose that if more of those behaviours were the norm for women, there'd be a lot more REAL female friendships in the world and a lot less Female Psychosis. Notice how guys are with each other. A lot like how I am with everyone. Guys have friends without drama. Why can't women?

It's a mystery to me.

Posted by Misangela at January 30, 2004 07:25 PM